pancreatic cancer, one of the cancers least likely to be treatable and therefore, as was the case with my mother, least likely to be treatable. Precisely because we were aware that our time together was limited, we spent as much time as we could with her and together as a family, perhaps becoming closer than we have ever been in our adult lives. We had 18 months to enjoy this and it was wonderful. But it also made the loss that much more painful.
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It may be while I am brushing my teeth or drafting an email for work. Or it may be that I am walking to the post office to check my mail. Sometimes even during a conversation. I can’t identify specific triggers. It seems like it just comes on. There are quite a few things in my apartment that remind me of her: pictures, gifts, mementos of family vacations, etc. But these don’t have to be in my line of sight and it is not these that set the moods off. These bring on a different set of feelings, A sense of nostalgia that is heavy, but not oppressive. The feeling I am referring to above is different. It zaps my strength and makes me want to curl up in a ball. Sometimes it makes me want to break things. But it zaps any energy I might to act on that impulse.
It will get better, I know. It has only been three weeks, after all.
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